Temporary madness

Monday blue ….. Perhaps is grey ….
2.15 am … I burst into tears …. in the toilet ….
I was so damn tiring and sick …
Having my PMS made me even more sick …
2.30 am …
Try very hard to make baby J sleep ..
Finally he fall sleep at 3am …
I was about to sleep …. i think i was just close my eye for second ..
& it’s already 4:30 am
Baby J was awake again, cried for awhile … & fall asleep after milk ..
The clock is ticking … and finally i fall sleep at 5am.
The alarm ring at 645am … drag myself up and get ready for work .

I had not been sleeping since Mid night Saturday …
Perhaps i slept at 430am on last Friday …
& i even can’t remember when is the last sleep i really had .
I means really fall into deep, smooth and nice sleep.
I lost my patient on the poor baby …
My heart was crushed from hearing him cry.
I felt like such a terrible person, and a bad mother.
I guess someway he is not feeling well or good …
That make him hard to fall a sleep ….
Things happened and drag on for few weeks ….. few weeks

That’s why i burst into tears this morning ..
Everything didn’t seem right to me …
I feel like shit, i feel like i m going to fall into pieces …
I just feel moody and angry .

After all this ….

And do you think i still can get myself into ALL this :I was ask to attend a …… facilitator course over the weekend!!
Suppose to be basic course only, end up everyone have to go for the advanced .
There’s 8 people was selected to attend this course .
From 8am to 6pm in one of the local U .

From the first day, and the first session of the course,
I know i was in the wrong train ,
Perhaps i feel like i was being hit by the train !!
But i still need to seat on the train and finish the journey !!
Session 1, …..2…..3…..4…..5….6….7 ….
I m sure for one thing ….
I finally decide not to seat for the examination after the course .
I know i will hand up with a blank paper .
Half of the colleague not taking the exam ….Too tough .
There’s open book exam over 40 question , 1 hour …
With a 4 inch thick note, i sure i cant remember where is where .
There’s group project ,
One people fail, whole group will fail …
If u cant answer question given by the lecturer, pro, dr , Ar, Ir ……
Means even i m from Archi background, i have to know about other people field/job.
Professional take few years to understand their job and scope of work ,
You think i can get to know their job in one month time ???

No go …

Every night 2 to 3 hour of sleep ..
I don’t think i can go for the exam ..
With all the calculation O.o graph O.o law O.o standards O.o to remember ..
Even no exam for me ….
But still have another few session to attend for the coming weekend too ..

I do feel bad for not taking up the exam ..
Cos is kind a waste …. probably no cert if no exam !!
Maybe my boss will be disappointed !!
Maybe my hubby will be disappointed too !!
Heh … i m disappointed too …. but i can’t help myself !!
Cos it sound like u didn’t complete the course .

I was going mad .
I am suffering from sleep deprivation. ..
If i lack of sleep …. my brain was not functioning properly .
Man, I was wrecked. I was really upset.
Hopefully this madness is just temporary.

okay .. sign off now …
Feel abit relief after pouring out all this madness ..
Feel relief after decided not taking the exam …


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